Good evening interwebs-land. I know that I once said that this blog wouldn’t become “a tutorial to help wack individuals learn how to spit game”, but I really get tired of some of the following behavior that happens out there in the world of dating. So for everyone’s sake, please take note:
THE TOP SEVEN THINGS THAT I WISH MEN WOULD STOP DOING WHEN TRYING TO DATE:
1. Refrain from asking the other person questions about themselves
It’s amazing how many times I’ve been on a date where the guy barely asks me anything about myself, let alone take interest in the things I’m interested in. Am I a horrible person? Am I extremely boring? Why are you going on a date with me anyway, what could you possibly like about me if you don’t really know me? Do we have any interests in common? It’s really hard for two people to get to know each other when it’s just one person getting to know the other person realllllly well.
2. Acting jealous and/or marking your territory (in public OR private)
Story time: So I’m on a date one weekend. Near the end of the night, I go to the bar to pay for my tab and retrieve my credit card (yes, I buy guys drinks). Another guy comes up beside me to order something at the bar. He introduces himself to me, and we have small talk about the bartender being slow.
The guy I’m on a date with sees this happening, walks over behind me, and begins to hover behind me while the waiting continues. When the other guy next to me finally gets his drinks, my date steps in and says, “Oh, did you buy US drinks? THANKS!” The other guy was like, “No, these are MY drinks!” They joke and straighten things out, but as that’s going on behind me, my date reaches over and KISSES my shoulder – my bare shoulder, since I was wearing an off-the-shoulder sweater. I got HEATED. Did this dude just MARK HIS FUCKING TERRITORY? I was over it. We hadn’t even gotten to first base yet.
I’ve also had another guy deliberately leave his things all over my apartment. My roommate would find them and would throw them away (she didn’t like him much).
Don’t get jealous. I mean, some high-maintenance girls might like it, but to me you just seem possessive and insecure. Insecure is unattractive.
3. Being CHEAP
Yeah, don’t be telling me what I can and can’t order on the menu. Or joke and say things like, “Sorry I won’t pay for that”. Don’t even joke about it. No one wants to be a with a guy that can’t get his act together to pay for shit. There’s way too many “I’m in my 30’s or 40’s but I act like a selfish child that wants to fuck around forever and never get a job”-kind of guys around this town, so don’t become associated with one of them.
4. Trying to make the other person jealous
Oh MAN. Talking to other girls and buying them drinks when you’re on a semi-date with me. Criticizing the girls that you’ve dated recently while you’re kinda talking to me. It doesn’t work, trust me. If a guy tells me he’s dating other girls or has been hooking up – even if he’s not enjoying it and is complaining about them – that tells me that he’s not interested in me. That’s usually a guy’s friendzone cue, right? I HATE game playing. And I’m not even trying to tell you about all the other people I’m dating, shiiieeet.
5. Trying to change the other person
Isn’t it just a little to early for that? Or maybe you shouldn’t really try to change people anyway. They say that in happy relationships people just accept each other for who they are.
If something does bother you, direct feedback could be more helpful. Instead of saying “Why don’t you do….(whatever)”, you could use “I-statements”. Like, “I like it when I can do (blah) with people, it makes me feel (blah blah blah). Or, “I’d prefer it if (blah blah) because (reason).” Don’t be passive aggressive about it.
6. Not dressing nicely
Some guys forget that they’re trying to make a positive impression on the person that they’re meeting for the first time. I’m not talking about pretending to be someone else, or attempting to be something that your not. I’m talking about not showing up to a date in an orange t-shirt and baggy light blue jeans from the 90’s. If that’s really your style, fine. Go ahead and do you. But it wouldn’t hurt to at least groom yourself. I guarantee you that I did.
7. Being a little too honest or negative in the very beginning
Sometimes you shouldn’t just “be yourself”. We all have problems with our family, our work, some of our friends, and especially dating. Hell, we might even be going through varying amounts of depression right now. But it might be better to disclose those issues slowly over time as we get to know each other. They say that you need to hear FIVE positive things for every negative thing said. I think that rule would apply to dating too (if not more on the positive things). If I hear someone complaining about their life on the first date, I’m going to assume that the person is in a bad, baaad place and needs therapy more than a date right now (definitely no shame in that, but sometimes we’re just not in the right headspace to be dating, knaw mean?)
BONUS: NOT USING CONDOMS!!
What’s up with guys over the age of 30 thinking that they’re invincible? I should just date younger guys, they’re way more paranoid! And they bring their own condoms.
I personally know of a decent number of people who either have herpes or have had chlamydia (no shame in that; however it can make your social life challenging). And I’ve gone on wayyy too many dates with men who have tried to have sex with me without condoms. Like, I’ve had to stop them before something goes south (literally).
Just ask the girl if she has a condom. Or if not, offer to use the one that you have (which means, you need to bring your own). If people make a fuss about it that’s their problem. What, condoms are a weird thing? ARE WE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL?!
THE TOP FIVE THINGS THAT I’VE LEARNED NOT TO DO AS A WOMAN (who’s interested in dating men)
1. Don’t tell them that they’re “nice”
Yeah, apparently men hate that adjective. It’s akin to, “I think of you like my cousin” or something. Give them a more descriptive compliment like, “you’re a very caring person”. Or perhaps something more “masculine” like, “you have a nice ass” / “you’re body is ripped” / “you’re so funny” . Stuff like that.
2. Don’t ever assume they’re going to pay – bring cash
I don’t ever assume, and I always offer. But I’m a little surprised at how often my offers to help pay for dinner get accepted.
3. Don’t assume they like you even if they act like they’re in love with you every time they see you
4. Don’t go on a second date if you can’t hold a decent conversation with that person
There’s SO MUCH to talk about on the first few dates because you literally know almost nothing about each other. Then why is the conversation so painful? I don’t want to seem like an interrogator, or be the only one holding the conversation. NEXT.
5. No more than “3 Strikes” during the first series of dates (or maybe less, depending on the situation…)
I usually give a guy a few chances to do a few weird/unlikable things before I call it off. Maybe he was just a bit nervous. Maybe I can tolerate those differences and we can work those things out over time. But too many bad moments during the beginning of a courtship becomes really unattractive. The mind is a powerful thing that’s hard to overcome.
If you’re going to remember one thing about this post, just remember to bring condoms.