Growing up I never thought of myself as sexual OR sexy in any shape or form (I was somewhat of a late bloomer; in high school I was pretty sure I was going to die a virgin). As a woman in my 30’s however, I’ve come to accept a lot of my insecurities because who really gives a fuck – shit just isn’t that serious. Plus ain’t nobody got time for bad sex. We’ve got plenty of other adult problems to deal with, and wack sex should not be one of them. At least not on a regular basis.
So to all the men who are engaging in ‘relations’ with women, here’s some tips:
1. ASK FOR SOME DIRECTION
There is no shame in asking for a little help. Actually, it shows that you care about pleasing the woman and that you’re open and willing to learn about what you can do to have better sex. Ask what she likes, what she doesn’t like, how she likes it (in verbal or non-verbal ways). This can apply to anyone of any gender (men, feel free to say what your preferences are too)…however I’ve found that it’s just not that hard to please men.
This also means that women need to be open to giving direction (I’m working on this one myself).
Related story: I once had a boyfriend that learned how to get a girl off through Maxim or some other men’s magazine. It must have been an excellent tutorial because that shit was GOOD.
2. MOST WOMEN DO NOT LIKE THEIR NIPPLES TWISTED OFF
This isn’t porn. More often than not, if you don’t like your nipples pinched hard, we don’t like it either. Light play is fine, rough stuff is meant for people who like the pain. Realize when you’re about to enter a world of pain. If you wander too far, you might get slapped.
3. WOMEN ARE NOT “READY TO GO” ALL THE TIME
For some reason, I know a lot of men that think that women are just always wet and “down to have sex at any moment”. This is why god invented FOREPLAY. We do not come pre-lubed. You gotta turn someone on if you want to get them into having sex with you (this can include physical as well as emotional/mental sexy time). Also, give it some time – this process will probably take a LOT longer than 10 minutes (I know, I know, erections happen at a much faster rate).
4. IT ALWAYS HELPS TO SMELL GOOD
A fat, flaming 87 year old man could be walking down the street in nothing but granny panties…but if he smells really good, it will definitely make me pause for a hot second. Smelling like a little bit of something else can be pretty fucking attractive (think: pheromones), whether it’s a hint of cleanliness, scented soap or shampoo, or the just some really good lotion…I don’t know. This does not apply to hardcore cologne or Axe body spray, however (you’re not high school).
Just don’t overdo it and smell like you just got out of the club (although I have to admit that, once in a while, the smell of beer and cigarettes can be pretty hot on a guy too, in just the right moment. Those moments usually occur after 12AM).
5. MAKE A MOVE
So, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’ve seen two good methods of going in for the kiss:
ONE: Take their chin with your hand/the tips of your fingers and direct it towards your face. If I’m into it, it’s pretty cute. If I’m not into it however, do us both a favor and just pretend to wipe some leftover food from my cheek.
TWO: Tell her in a really sweet (and not slimy) way, “I’d really like to kiss you right now”. I’ve heard of women doing it (to shy guys who won’t make the first move), I’m sure it could work for anyone. If she’s not about it you can always say JUUUUST KIDDING.
On that tip – If you do get rejected, have a good sense of humor about it. I have a friend that does it all the time and it works really well for everyone. If you’re really nonchalant about your sentiments, they probably won’t get awkward about it either – they might even be flattered by the attention.
6. WOMEN GET EMOTIONALLY AROUSED
Forge a strong mental connection through a really good conversation. Make her laugh, be witty, be charming, have fun together. In other words, enjoy each other as people. Sex is infinitely better when you’re really into the person and have a strong personal connection. If you’re really skilled at this, you’ll get her to jump on you first.
7. FIGURE OUT WHERE THE CLITORIS IS…AND WHAT TO DO WITH IT
I’ve known very few men that actually know where the clitoris is on a female body. I know that everyone’s vagina looks different, so if you don’t know, then go back to Tip #1. Every woman is also different of course. Some like to get rubbed in certain areas in various ways. Sometimes, like the tip of your penis, it might get overly sensitive or sore (AKA painful) if rubbed the wrong way. A good rule of thumb is that if you don’t quite get what to do, just rub on top of it (the hood) rather than under it. Some guy was trying to help me out but I think he was actually rubbing the shit out of my urethra, which is really painful and ultimately leads to bladder infections.
Another good rule of thumb: Get a sense for how she likes (or dislikes) what you’re doing by getting in tune with her – specifically, her body’s reactions. Hopefully, she won’t be faking it.
Here’s some potentially helpful diagrams in English and Spanish (for all you bilingual folks out there) –>
8. MAKE HER FEEL ATTRACTIVE
I’m not talking about flattery or spitting out lies. We are constantly told — through the media, through fashion trends, through our fucked up repressed parents, through our friends, through everyone else around us — that we are ugly, too fat, too skinny, not this enough, not that enough (this tends to be particularly more harsh for women). Complement her or remind her that you find her attractive in some specific way, because trust me — if she’s more comfortable with her body and how she looks — you’ll both have a lot more fun.
9. IT’S NOT A RACE
Having really fast and hard-as-hell jack rabbit sex can be fun at certain times, for some people…just know that not everyone likes to get their brains fucked out for an hour straight (it can eventually become painful; plus most women can’t stay wet for that long – bring the lube). Remember that you can also change it up. Sometimes really slow sex can also be a huge turn on. Sometimes another position can be more pleasurable. Communicate with each other (in verbal or non-verbal ways) about what works for the both of you.
On an unrelated side note: Why is it that a lot of women with strong personalities like to be dominated during sex? Is it because we’re tired of being the boss all the time and want someone to calm us down? Is it because being tossed around is kinda fun? I don’t know.
10. TALK ABOUT TESTING
A lot of people are really shy about having a conversation about whether or not they’ve been tested for STI’s. If a guy talked to me about whether or not I’ve been tested and wants to talk before we have sex, I would be fucking ecstatic. Like, extremely impressed. It shows that a man is mature and isn’t shy about doing the right thing. Again: if they’re awkward about it, it’s their problem not yours.
(AND OF COURSE) BRING CONDOMS
Even if you’ve done #10, you still never know for sure where people have been. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I know too many friends that have contracted STI’s. There’s a lot of social stigma attached to it, so just always play it on the safe side. However just remember that condom’s aren’t 100% for anything (preventing babies OR STI’s).
While this list is directed towards men (sorry, I had a lot of complaining to do), the above advice can of course apply to anyone of any gender. It’s not a one-sided effort; sex is definitely a give-and-take. People of all genders (men included) deserve support.
Now go out there and have awesome sex, YOU’RE WORTH IT! And they are too. Hopefully.